Alternative Methods to Pregnancy

by Tom Waits
(spoken between songs in concert)

Alright actually, I get asked -- I think the question that I get asked the most -- I mean it happens a lot, enough that I would remark on it. A lot of people come up to me and they say, "Tom, uh, is it possible for a woman to get pregnant without intercourse?"

I say, "Well listen, we're going to have to go all the way back to the Civil War for this one." Apparently a stray bullet actually pierced the testicle of a Union soldier and then lodged itself in the ovaries of an eighteen-year-old girl, who was 1oo feet away from him at the time.

Well, the baby was fine, and the girl was very happy -- guiltfree. Of course the soldier was a little pissed off. When you think about it, it's actually a form of intercourse -- though maybe not for everyone. Those who love action, maybe.